Adult conversation avoidance

In every way I believe this is a way to conquer free- down-  sick-  time.  Sleep.  What is my time?  What gage is set?  What am I wanting to prove?  What is this to be criticized?
 lallygagging my focus is compartmentalized- scheduled- pre consumed, therefore i aim to focus outside the box. of what is my time? listening- watching- for something be criticized.  Picking fights with a news crew just for drama.  What I was doing at the beginning?  Believing this whisper of how an intuition gift should be cherished and nurtured.  First I need to read less newsprint.  How do I know what I lack?  When this is poured. when I know I claim this as writitng for hours a skill (I become critical and downplay) rather fill pages with words from within, the book-a book, gets left out of this free think flow.  Invested.  Pour. 
Gaps in concepts about paragraph/word structure puzzle me. when the structure is wrong so often it begins to seem normal.  Where I'm playing trivial games with someone speaking this as a 2nd language.  
Write music instead but I dont like that rhythm- I cant make that sound -It doesnt move, or ask, or count, or want my opinion.  Its not crowded or ashamed or unclear and recognizes superiority.  
Poor study skills in an idea space when I'm lonely surrounded by friends.  Home-sick and disagreeable.  Inaccurate transcripts of Blue and Red.  Misrepresentations Losing the luxury of being comfortable while trying to write about how my words want to speak for themselves.  a way to ignore what i don't want to sort out or move against or be slowed down by or confronted about.  Fitness where some studies have naturally called me to reproduce on.