Getting into a new routien or picking up where I left off in a routien always begins with some lightbulb moment.  For instance creating a desire to become more focused on getting in 3 or 4 days of planned exercise per week usually consists of packing a bra to carry to the gym with deodorant and soap.  I don’t anticipate too much the activity I need to do or the ammount of time I will spend doing it.  Where I tend to emphasize the hyprocracy is where I lose stregnth.  going into something head first leaves me slightly insecure because something I use to trick myself for a few days doesn’t always last, leading to a letdown.  I don’t know what about sitting around and stirring myself up is going to accomplish but that’s generally where I begin.  Is it my goal to glamorize what makes me sick?  Ever look at a picture of a person modeling in a magazine and just slightly look past what ever it is that they are trying to sell?  At least many cosmetic ads portray someone who has a certain look of not being well, slightly ill.  I’m making myself proud however, practicing that line we’ve all heard time and time again, If you fall dust yourself off and get back up.  I just need to know what I do over and over that has me end up out for so long.  Do I set my expectations too high?  Do I obsess the insignificant things too much?  Am I too impatient?  The one consistant thing I am generally aware of is my tendancy to become interrupted or disinterested.  Somehow I’m strangely aware of this predisposition to notice a perversion when there should not be one.  Like being aware of an ill intention or motive that isn't my own that somehow entangles itself into a pure thought about soemthing I’m wanting to acocmplish.     

I don’t know when I stopped recognizing the reflection in the mirror.  I don’t know when I became so unhappy with the person living here.  I don’t know when I became so afraid that someone or something spys on me and uses my writing to get into my head against my will.  I don’t know when I became blind and numb to life.  I don’t know when interpreting body parts became an obsession.  Foot, face, Limbs hair.  I don’t know when or how everything became scattered and hopeless.  I don’t know when avoiding the unfamiliar became the only objective.  I don’t know what money has to do with anything.  I don’t know why certain memories are more relative than others.  I don’t know  how or of what I am a victim of.  I don’t know when I became a prisoner and I don’t know how anyone gets in.  I don’t know who is so dissatisfied with me.  I don’t know who my prescence invokes a certain rage upon.  I don’t know what I listen to and I don’t know what speaks to me.  I don’t know why I sleep or why I wake when I do.  I don’t know why I visualize re arranging and putting things in order with hope but only feel dread in the same breath.  I don’t know how to live or wheter or not I’ve died.  I don’t know anything about why someone cant check into a clinic.  I don’t know where Ive lived or shared.    I don’t know now vs later or there vs here.  I don’t know where to share or who to trust.  I don’t know who feels unsafe or unable to relate or  responsible or not.  I know hurt but can not describe where.  I don’t know why I want this to be a one way conversation when I express.  I don’t know why I desperately fight against a propistion of my own to cut my hair very short.  I don’t know or care what to wear when no one can see me but do not want to be seen like this therefore hopelessly look for something to dress in.  I don’t want to eat or drink but will eventually out of necessisity only to be convinced that I have made the wrong decision.  I dnot know why I hunger for nostalgia but avoid it because no one else wants to go there and come back here.  I don’t know why I feel like my thoughts arent my own.   I don’t know who obsesses over knowing but not knowing or wanting to involve or fails to believe.  I don’t know who reads this and is fed and  I don’t know why you don’t have a face to me.  I cannot remember the password and do not know why that matters as if ive locked you up and thrown away the key only to frantically look for it again.

You said mine are the worst kind and I’m not sure how that made me feel…upset or relieved or satisfied or invincible. 

However you also said you were glad to find me. 

Where in the world did the sound go?  How does this stitch pretend to have a feeling and a lack of control.  This little child.  In my mind that does tthat acts and wants to be.  Mercy find it.  the shrink the memories and the simple awareness that places you here right now and befroe dioesnt matter.  Spontanieosu and controlled and dictated to.  Submerged and surfaced from total darkness.  Enjoying the thrill of torture and getting awau with it.  Went to the zoo did you? 

I’m not sure what this expression is and know that I feel better once I read and write and go back and forth with the phrases and structure and what I want to say or something even if it’s a run on sentence. 

From a friend….

Galatians 3:24-29

Romans 5:1-11,18; 6:1-14; 9; 12:1,2

Ephasians 1:10,11-18; 2:19-22; 3:6, 10-12; 5: 15-20,21

Colisians 1,2, 3

Disciple of Jesus Christ the temple of God forever the Temple of the Holy Ghost bride… the church… priesthood of the covenant… who love washed their robe white in the blood of the lamb have put on the priestly garments of the bride in the true baptism of gods covenant of forgiveness of sins from faith in true gospel from repentance of sin Holy oath of allegea of faith

We are Gods (Jehovahs) children The people of his eternal covenant the people of his Laws of his priesthood eternal

His Kingdom of priests and Saints the kingdom of david eternal the Kingdom of Isreal of the christ The eternal son of david and Jesse of Judea Israel the eternal children of abraham and God Jehova in Heaven Mt Zion church of christ whose names are wirtten in the lambs book of lifein heaven

I cant stnd when ppl catch wind of a new idea and begin to stifle it before even knowing the potnetial.  tonite im glad to have the courage to plant myself infront of this screen even though im not doing anything very interesting.  I’m glad that im only a couple weeks away from starting classes again.  ive managed to muster enough stregnth to keep myself upright and appear to be ingaged in something worthwile.  I can see just beyond where I am at right now and dread acknowleging the doors that will open for distraction, misguided and misunderstood remarks and the certain disaproval-where I honestly do not seek any.  im not looking for a soap box since I don’t really have anything you are looking for, I’m not looking for attedntion or the negative attention and the passing judgement that surely will follow.  although that’s what it appears like and I don’t want to seem like a spoil sport or disinterested member of the communi5ty-just that standing here in front of the small area I reside speaks of something I do not agree with.  reality says it looks like you cant afford this when I’m offended at that thought when I didn’t want to be forced to move here in the first place.  Especially not some neigh.with a stupid arrogant assoc.  and a front.  No one wants to see into your closet and no one wants to be told what to do.  I’m just wondering what ppl come here to do?