Ive hit a slump today. Not finding any harmony at the moment, as if ive reached a plateau of creative ability, the ability to see beyond right now and whatever is making my world seem so bland. I chose to sleep in for lack of interest. I awoke from a dream that had me surrounded by women something like a pilates class. They didn’t begin the routien it seems until I was completely unable to think clearly or move for that matter. I passed out within the dream then woke up to a mean reminder of where I am. I don’t know who those people were but they werent happy to be where they were, just going through the motions.
So I confide in my writing. I search myself for words of encoragement and continue in this place that at times, seem like a land without water. A place where im pricked and prodded and manipulated and experimented with. A shaped thought. Smooth, slick and manageable. I know exactly where I am. I’m left notes. I work alone. I find a stash of candy and go to town. Im left treats. I rarely venture away from my four walls. I’m an assistant. The student that arrived with me works in the art classroom. I’m not sure what goes on in there. Now I wonder why have i been here so long?
I remember hearing that I wasn’t any different from the rest of them. Who agreed to this? The letters never stopped, I placed you somewhere in a cottage far away and happy. I didn’t always know or believe you were happy with me, just going through the motions. I shared some silly ideas with you about astrology and you listened as I read and anticipated your input. I married too young. You walked with me. I met you again later on in life. You hold a high position. You know who I am. You are kind. The woman you work for is interested in me in a way that seems flirtatious. I speak to her, she listens, we have good talks. We mourn together, laugh together and know one another well enough to spot each other in a crowd. We long together. We long for an essence. An essesence of that companionship. that sense of oneness. I look right from the center of where I am and know you are with. I remember the reason I had hatered toward you for lack of a better connection.
What a brat you are. How much I cherish that quality though. I know you and who you run with…better than they’ll admit. You were baited though, I hesitate to look twice. You were lead and I was hissed at. I choose to tune out the burning in my ear to maintain clarity and composure. I choose to be blinded rather than to envy this. You didn’t know that.