walking through forever

Ive hit a slump today.  Not finding any harmony at the moment, as if ive reached a plateau of creative ability, the ability to see beyond right now and whatever is making my world seem so bland.  I chose to sleep in for lack of interest.  I awoke from a dream that had me surrounded by women something like a pilates class.  They didn’t begin the routien it seems until I was completely unable to think clearly or move for that matter.  I passed out within the dream then woke up to a mean reminder of where I am.  I don’t know who those people were but they werent happy to be where they were, just going through the motions. 

So I confide in my writing.  I search myself for words of encoragement and continue in this place that at times, seem like a land without water.  A place where im pricked and prodded and manipulated and  experimented with.  A shaped thought.  Smooth, slick and manageable.  I know exactly where I am.  I’m left notes.  I work alone.  I find a stash of candy and go to town.  Im left treats.  I rarely venture away from my four walls.  I’m an assistant.  The student that arrived with me works in the art classroom.  I’m not sure what goes on in there.  Now I wonder why have i been here so long? 

I remember hearing that I wasn’t any different from the rest of them.  Who agreed to this?  The letters never stopped,  I placed you somewhere in a cottage far away and happy.  I didn’t always know or believe you were happy with me, just going through the motions.   I shared some silly ideas with you about astrology and you listened as I read and anticipated your input.  I married too young.  You walked with me.  I met you again later on in life.  You hold a high position.  You know who I am.  You are kind.  The woman you work for is interested in me in a way that seems flirtatious.  I speak to her, she listens, we have good talks.  We mourn together, laugh together and know one another well enough to spot each other in a crowd.  We long together.  We long for an essence.  An essesence of that companionship. that sense of oneness.  I look right from the center of where I am and know you are with.  I remember the reason I had hatered toward you for lack of a better connection. 

What a brat you are.  How much I cherish that quality though.  I know you and who you run with…better than they’ll admit.  You were baited though, I hesitate to look twice.  You were lead and I was hissed at.  I choose to tune out the burning in my ear to maintain clarity and composure.   I choose to be blinded rather than to envy this.  You didn’t know that.