The war within

Picture of a woman having her hair relaxed by a stylist 

Ok.  What is really going on?  I've been ego trippin with myself about a simple decision.  To relax or not to relax. 

For years I've rocked a decent head of hair.  Only needing to go to the stylist twice a year for the somewhat magical chemical treatment known to us black girls as a relaxer.  But for some odd reason, Ive been trying to go without one for the last several months.  I don't know why.  I'm not that good at keeping my natural unprocessed hair from looking like bozo the clown.  I'm tired of wearing hats all the time when i carelessly go to bed without wrapping it.  I don't like the smart elic remarks from my significant other about my hair.  We're both mixed kids; one black parent and one white.  He however came out with the non ethnic hair where Ive been doomed. (lol, j/k not trying to piss anyone off cause i know some girls would kill to have my version of ethnic hair)  I'm not a fan of braided styles because they just dont last that long for me.
I guess I'm fighting over the fact that I like to wash my hair frequently since I go to the gym almost everyday.  I like to go swiming as well.  Its always a big deal having relaxed hair and washing it all the time.  Everytime I go to a stylist and mention relaxing my hair they give me the lecture about how I dont need to.  They don't have to wake up and comb this mess though.  Its like I feel as if I'm failing as a woman when I cant keep my hair looking neat, as shallow as that sounds.  I cant really say why i feel that way.  Why cant i feel the same pride and empowerment about having my hair relaxed as women who decide to go short and natural do?

 Way too much emphasis goes into that visit to the stylist. i never look foreward to that 3-4 hour time block.  S/he needs to be good at what they do or else i dont want to bother.  They deserve to be paid, i just dont like feeling like i'm paying for their services over and over again.  Thats what having relaxed hair is about.  You're a slave to your own hair once the chemicals go in.  Its not the stylists fault. They don't care the texture or legnth of my mane or even how often i show up.  I'm like an easy hundred bucks just because of the ammount of product i'll need since my hair is well past shoulder legnth.

So thanks to Mr. Chris Rock I'm publicly struggling over what to do with my hair.  Do you know how awful it feels to voice this nonsense to a black woman?!  How my sistas with the european hair run in the other direction or chuckle to themselves about this topic?!  Whenever the topic of hair arises i feel like an idiot, a dog, a fool, a sexist and a racist and that is not fair.